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Once again I had a big fight with God. On top of my existing daily challenges I am struggling with insomnia. It is soul destroying and exhausting.
We are taught to think that God is good and if something bad happens to us, He allows it for some greater good. I did not care about any greater good. I had enough. I just wanted to live a happy i.e. normal life. I was struggling with this all morning. But then my eyes have been opened during a session with my trauma therapist. Somehow I have realised that I was resisting claiming for myself the life I wanted. It was not so much God who was not giving it to me. It was me not taking my daily steps to build the life I wanted. Instead I was waiting for God to make it happen. As soon as I realised that my anger vanished and it was replaced with love towards God and gratitude. Lesson learned today, it would be great to skip the anger and trust God but if that fails, argue with God. Stay with Him and argue till your issue is resolved. If you leave, the issue will not be resoled. God is as patient with us as a good mother is with her children. He forgives us our tantrums. Now when I look back I believe that a few lost hours of sleep where a small price to pay for what I got. I got hope for the future and the determination to make my dreams come true.
Jordan Peterson is right that resolving trauma requires some philosophical work. We cannot move on till we understand why evil is present in our lives. I hope I will remember what I have learned today so my fight with God is less violent next time.